Vicki Abelson’s 30 Day Writing Challenge #7 – Secrets – Day 8

Photo Credit © 2012 – Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw. All Rights Reserved

Day 8 of Vicki's WC7 - Secrets...

Morning pages... letter to Nana ("email" is a four-letter word to Nana)... work on my noir escuro... and about an hour working on some notes for this year's NaNoWriMo.

I was going to reveal another secret today, but as I mentioned earlier... I don't have that many secrets... I have to pace them out.  So today... a few words about secrets and power.

Humans need power... in some form... to some degree - some crave it to the point of bringing harm to others - we all need a little power.  Women especially, because it was denied us for so long.  But now... we know how to get power and we know how to keep it... unlike men, who only seem to piss it away.  But that is a story for another day.  We were talking about secrets and their need for power, weren't we....

Secrets hold power... secrets are power.  A secret will use its power to keep its owner from revealing it... because it knows that once the person reveals the secret... once the secret is brought out into the light of day... and seen for what it really is... the power of that secret is gone.  The secret can no longer hurt the person or hold them down... hold them back... hold them under... hold them to another whose time has come and gone.

Secrets, like their human hosts, need power.  Without power, a secret cannot survive.  Not all secrets are meant to survive... some play their role and then exit stage left.

But some secrets... some secrets will do whatever they must to survive... to keep their power.  They will, if necessary, turn their host into an addict... or worse...

And then, there are other secrets that were never meant to be revealed.

Fight the power.

~*~

Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw

14 September 2013

(Writing under a large mushroom, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest)

Vicki Abelson's 30 Day Writing Challenge #7 - Secrets - Day 6

Photo Credit © 2012 – Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw. All Rights Reserved

Day 6 of Vicki's WC7 - Secrets...

I've got a secret... see? Right here... *holding out cupped hands and lifting one thumb*

Technically, it's not "fucking for grades" if the professor isn't one of your current instructors, right?  I mean, at the time we were "wrinkling the Wamsuttas", the good (Good? Who are we kidding... she was fucking fantastic!) professor was no longer in a position to influence my grades.

Freshman year... spring term... my psych professor from first term had barely passed me... so it only made sense that, once I was no longer in her class, I should go after her like a greyhound after the rabbit, right?  Hey, this college thing was still new to me... how was I to know something like that was frowned upon?

Okay, okay... I knew... we both knew... exactly what we were doing and the morality of it. I can sit here and try to rationalize it, but I have a feeling you wouldn't let me get away with that.

So, no excuses... I make my confession... and another secret is out.

~*~

Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw

12 September 2013

(Writing under a large mushroom, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest)

Vicki Abelson's 30 Day Writing Challenge #7 - Secrets - Day 2

Photo Credit © 2012 – Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw. All Rights Reserved

Day 2 of Vicki’s WC7 – Secrets…

There are three kinds of secrets… the ones that we tell only our closest friends… the ones that we tell no one… and the ones that we don’t even know we have.  The first two kinds of secrets are as tangible as an orange in one’s hand.  They have a shape and a weight to them… almost a physicality.  But the third kind of secret is the secret that we possess, but whose shape and weight is invisible to us… this is the secret that has not yet been revealed to us.

Pssst… come here… closer… closer… you want to know a secret?

I’m a lesbian.

I am a lesbian and I always have been one.  From the day I was born… no, not from the day I was born… from the very moment I first had consciousness.  Oh, I didn’t know that I was a lesbian… not for a long time.  That was a secret that I kept even from myself.  Not because I didn’t want to know it, but because I was not aware of it.  This was the third kind of secret… the one we don’t know ourselves that we possess. 

And it isn’t denial… it goes much deeper than that.  Denial must be preceded by awareness. 

Growing up I had secrets and I learned the secrets of others, but the secret that was my own, that no one else knew… I did not either.  I possessed it, but I did not know that I did so… not for a very long time.

What reveals a secret?  Usually it is the need to share.  Sometimes it is a need or a desire for revenge that makes us reveal a secret.  But what about the secret that we don’t know we have?  How is that revealed?

What triggers the revelation of the third kind of secret?  

For me, it wasn’t a ‘what’, but a ‘who’.

It was the summer of 2002… a few weeks before my seventeenth birthday and the beginning of college life.  I and several of my high school friends had gathered for one last get-together before we went our separate ways… to west coast, east coast, southern and northern universities.  Only this day, there was an invited ‘stranger’ among us… Kim’s cousin, Amanda.

And when Amanda offered her hand in greeting… and our fingers touched and our eyes met…

Time stood still… and the secret that I didn't know I had was revealed.

I am a lesbian.

~*~

Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw

8 September 2013

(Writing under a large mushroom, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest)

Vicki Abelson's 30 Day Writing Challenge #7 - Secrets - Day 1

Photo Credit © 2012 – Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw. All Rights Reserved

Day 1 of Vicki's WC7 - Secrets...

*

I've got a secret... well, more than one actually… but don’t we all?

This secret though… this secret is one of the very last things I told Tina about my past and the only reason that I told her is because I had given my solemn promise that there would never be secrets between the two of us.  I didn’t want to tell her...  I didn’t want to reveal that side of me to her.  I didn’t want that secret to be the last straw… the straw that was one straw too many.  The one that would make Tina decide that it was all too much, that I was too damaged.  But a secret can also be a lie and I could not live with that lie between us.  It would have eaten away like a cancer, destroying every good thing that Tina had tried to do for me… for us.  So I told her.

I let someone die.  I held her in my arms and I did nothing.  I stroked her hair and waited for the pills she had taken to do their job.  I let someone die because she was in so much pain and so much torment and she begged me not to stop her.  I let someone die because her pain and her torment were even greater than mine and I knew that…

I don’t remember how many times I looked at my phone… at those three glowing digits on the screen waiting for me to hit Send… then back at her… as her breathing slowed and her face became only a blur through my own tears… until the grip of her hand on mine gradually relaxed and her chest rose one last time… then fell… and she was gone.

I tried to tell myself that if I stopped her… if I hit Send and she didn’t die this time… she would only try again… and again if necessary.  I tried to rationalize that it was better this way because she was at least with a friend… someone who understood her pain… someone who would not judge her.  I told myself that she was now at peace.

Three weeks later I boarded a plane with a belly full of booze and a bottle full of pills… ready to let go of that last thread that I had been hanging on to... giving up the fight… as she had… realizing that I too… had finally found ‘too much’.

~*~

Veronica Marie Lewis-Shaw

7 September 2013

(Writing under a large mushroom, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest)